The Six Disasters of Love By, Sirius Black
by roadside-author
Summary: I’m Sirius Black.I’m drop dead gorgeous, rich and great in bed.But this story isn’t about me or how great I am in bed.Well, the latter does have a slight part, but mainly, it’s about how the root to every disaster is love. AU,RS
1. Chapter 1

'God,' I whispered into Remus's soft brown hair, slowly breathing in the scent of his new shampoo. 'God.' No matter how many times we'd had sex, I could never get over how good it was. Reluctantly, I slid out of him. 'I should go.'

Remus bit his lip and nodded, his right hand reaching out to wipe away a stray bead of sweat rolling down the side of my forehead. I couldn't help but lean in to his touch, and bent forward to kiss him hard.

'I'll see you in the morning,' I said, finally pulling away and getting up.

However, Remus caught me by the wrist just as I was about to reach for my shorts. I looked at him questioningly, and was met by the most soulful gaze I'd ever seen. 'Stay,' he said so softly that it took me a while to understand.

'Remus…'

His hold on me tightened. 'Please…just for tonight…'

I pulled my hand away as gently as I could, and focused on getting my clothes back on again instead. 'I have a long day at work tomorrow, Remus.' I pulled on my shorts. 'Besides, it's for the best…sleeping together…it's not our sort of thing, you know.'

Remus looked away. 'Yeah, of course, sorry 'bout that.' For a second I had a feeling I'd hurt him, but when he looked back up again, he had that beautiful smile on his face again; the one that you couldn't help but smile back to.

'Goodnight, Remus.'

_I don't think I've introduced myself yet. I'm Sirius Black. A lot of you know me as the heir to the Black family fortune, and though it would be somewhat an accurate description, it's not one I'm quite fond of. Yes, I'm rich by inheritance, but that is only by default. I'm the only Black who had enough brains to know not to delve into political issues not concerning myself, and thus, the only Black who survived. My parents never liked me, and hadn't even seen me since I was sixteen, and running away from their Godforsaken house. _

_Let's just say that we weren't on the friendliest of terms and leave it at that. Therefore, I beg you not to refer to the stereotype notion of me being a Black and thus, undoubtedly evil. Infact, if you look beyond the box, you'll see that I do have a job in a well-established firm, I cook my own food every alternate day of the week, I do my own laundry every fortnight and am an excellent Godfather and babysitter to an adorable two year old on weekends. Apart from that, I'm drop dead gorgeous, rich and great in bed. Oh, and I forgot to mention, humble. _

_But this story isn't about me or how great I am in bed. Well, the latter does have a slight part, but mainly, it's about how the root to every disaster is love. Now, before you start protesting and pelting me with rocks, I want you to give me a chance to explain. I am a lawyer after all, and the previous statement will be backed up with strong and well-organised evidence. The characters, places and incidents henceforth, are all non ficticious, and any infringement of their rights will leave me crumpled in a dark alley, uncomfortably close to the dumpster. _

**I.**

_After I'd run away from home, the first person I'd thought of turning to, was my best friend in the world – James Potter. James and I had known each other since we were in nappies. Our parents were both rich and thus attended nearly all the same parties. So like everything in my life, I found friendship in James by default as well. We even ended up in all the same schools up until graduation and competed not only for the best grades, but also for the greatest number of detentions. _

_We'd become so close at one point that people were often mistaking us for brothers and neither of us bothered to correct them. So when I'd ended up standing on the Potter's doorstep, soggy and shivering from my mishap with the neighbour's sprinklers, it was only obvious that I would be adopted as part of the family. _

_It was even more obvious that the two of us would end up sharing a flat together as we progressed into our respective careers. Of course, this assumption was made long before James Potter graduated to fourth year and met Lily Evans – the heat to his groin and the pain in mine. _

_Now, don't get me wrong. I love Lily, I truly do. She's a wonderful woman – caring, sweet, an efficient manufacturer of babies, and the best cookie maker in the history of cookie making, but otherwise, not to smart. Most people would beg to differ. She had afterall topped the Dean's list in all four years of her University career, but didn't have enough sense to not get drunk on graduation day and moreover use protection while having sex with James Potter. _

_Yes, Lily Evan got pregnant, and as a result I, Sirius Black, best friend and brother in arms to James Potter was kicked out of my own house._ _Lesson no. 1: love will steal your best froend. _

'Come on, Sirius. Don't you think you're overreacting a bit? It's not the end of the world, you know!'

I banged my fist on the table. Overreacting? No I was not overreacting, thank you very much. 'Hell, yes, it's the end of the world! I can't believe you're abandoning me for…for…'

'A woman I'm getting married to?' asked James, raising a sardonic eyebrow.

Too much, it was just too much. How could he do this to me? 'We wouldn't even be having this conversation if you had the brains to use a bloody condom!'

James ruffled his hair, a habit he'd picked up whenever he was trying to impress someone or was particularly agitated. 'I was drunk. It was miracle I got it up!'

'Well, God bless you! A miraculous penis, and in nine months, a miraculous baby!'

James was silent for a while, probably allowing me to calm down. I didn't. 'Look, Sirius, it's not like I'm asking you to move out of my life. We're still best friends, you know…and we can still hang out and get a drink or two…just, I think it's time we got on with our lives…took responsibility and all that…'

I sighed heavily. For the first time, James Potter had failed to see my point. This wasn't about me living someplace else. I was afraid. Yes, it's unbelievable, but I was. I was terrified to do something on my own, without a friend to back me up. I was afraid of how this new life James was adopting would have no place for me in it. Sirius Black wasn't exactly known for his domesticity. And though I've always been quite popular, James was and still is the only friend I've ever had…and things were going so perfectly, you see. We dated, we drank, we had sex when we needed it…but at the end of the day, it was always just the two of us, beer and the tv. Why things had to change, I just didn't understand!

'I'll leave, James,' I said finally, not being able to look up at him. 'If that's what you want, I'll leave tomorrow itself…you and Lily, you have a good life with that kid of yours, yeah?'

James slapped me up the head. 'You can be a right melodramatic prat, you know that? Trying to make me look like the bad guy here.' He grabbed me by the shoulders. 'Look, Lily and I…we've been talking a lot…and we've decided to make you our baby's Godfather…'

My jaw dropped open. Me? Secondary caretaker to a living being? Had Lily managed to vapourise his brain during intercourse? 'James-'

'No, listen…we figured, it would be really great if you could be there at all times for the kid, you know. Mrs. Plentforth – the old cat lady – she's moving out in a week…and we'd like you to take up the flat before anyone else does. Put up an ad in the paper for a roommate, if you think the apartment's too big for you.'

It was a good offer, it really was, and part of me wanted to take it, but – 'I-'

James's hold tightened on my shoulders. 'Sirius, please, for me…'

_And that was how I found myself face to face with Remus Lupin…_


	2. Chapter 2

**II.**

Lupin turned out to be one of those men who blended in with the crowd perfectly. His features were nothing extraordinary – plain dirty blond hair, round hazel eyes, a prominent chin and downward sloping nose. One would say his features were almost childlike, if you didn't count the complete lack of body fat and the enormous Adam's apple jutting out of his neck. He wasn't someone girls would throw themselves over for, but far from being unattractive. In fact, I'd actually caught Lily appreciating his rear and fixing her hair when he'd passed by her up the stairs. I don't think she made much of an impression, considering she had a smelly garbage bag in her hand.

Call it paranoia, but I had abused my privileges and taken the liberty to go through his complete records before calling him over. I didn't want a homicidal maniac or diseased hobo living with me, thank you very much. Turned out, he was mostly clean…a professor of English Literature in Groundham's University…and only a few week's old to the city.

'I did a bit of a background check on you, if you don't mind,' I said, pacing across the floor and shuffling the papers I'd picked up in the Ministry. 'Turns out you've been evoked from three different apartments in two weeks.' I stopped and turned to him. If I'd expected him to look guilty or confess to being a psychotic murderer, I was sadly disappointed.

Remus breathed heavily. 'I was afraid you'd ask that.' He ran a hand through his short hair – a habit I was used to seeing from James, but strangely endearing on this new person. 'I'm gay…'

Well, that was an answer I was certainly not expecting. In fact, I was at a complete loss of word at what to say. He was gay…okay…now what?

'Look, before you decline, I need you to hear me out, okay?' He bit his lip and fumbled with a loose thread on his sweater. 'I really need this apartment to keep my job. My pay's good, so I'm willing to pay extra if needed. I'll stay out of your way if it bothers you too much, and I'll even tell Richard not to show up in the apartment without your consent. Just…I really, really need this…'

I frowned. 'Who's Richard?'

Remus blushed an odd shade of red. 'He's sort of a…friend…'

_Interesting. _'Ah.' Well, atleast I didn't have to worry about him jumping me. The man was clearly besotted. _Oh, what the hell! _'Well, Remus, you seem nice enough, and your records are clean so far. You don't need to pay extra, and friends are welcome, but I'd prefer it if you kept your conquests out of the house.' Remus's face fell and I hastened to explain. 'It doesn't bother me that you're gay. I do the same thing with mine…sort of a preference, if you may.' When Remus nodded, I continued. 'You have to cook every alternate day. When you're not cooking, you're doing the dishes. Same thing with laundry and cleaning. That okay with you?'

Remus nodded, smiling. 'I can't cook much, but I'll learn.'

'Well then,' I replied, extending an amiable hand. 'Welcome to your new home.'

_So, I had a new flat mate. A new gay flat mate, who'd been kicked out of various apartments not because he was a homicidal maniac, but because he was a homosexual. Lesson no.2: Love will get you relegated from society and in to the streets. _

**III.**

_Being gay, I'd wondered if Remus was going to turn our flat into something pink, lacy or frilly. Yes, I was well aware of it being a very stereotypical notion, but excuse me for acting human. So, of course, I'd been apprehensive when the two of us had gone shopping for furniture together…alone…without any supervision. It turned out that Remus's idea of furniture was very much like mine, and we'd ended up with a set of leather couches, a tv, a fridge, a kitchen table, two beds, hair gel and a six pack beer…oh, and an additional full length mirror for…ahem…me…_

_Anyway, after our shopping experience, I discovered that Remus was a swell guy to hang out with, and from some twisted play of fate, he ended up being our third brother in arms, and my second best friend after James. Even Lily had taken up a liking to him, and not because of his sexy arse (quote from Lily, mind you. That woman is out of control), but because he was generally, a very sweet, kind and helpful sort of guy, especially when it came to eight month old pregnant women. I hardly ever missed James anymore, because Remus was always there as comfort. _

_What trouble me the most about Remus though, were the frequent bruises on his skin. Sometimes there'd be finger bruises on his wrists, more often that not, he'd come home with a black eye or a purpling cheek. I'd asked about it once and he'd refused to tell me. It was after all, none of my business, but that didn't mean I couldn't tend to his wounds and apply some antiseptic on them once in a while. _

_Anyhow, one day, I'd come back home from a tiring day of work and an even worse breakup with Celine – my longest relationship with a woman that had lasted nearly five months. I'm not sure what went wrong, but we'd had a migraine inducing argument that ended up with her throwing a vase at me and telling me to just go marry my friends. Needless to say, women are and have always been highly confusing. _

_I'd only opened up a fresh bottle of alcohol to soothe my pain, when Remus staggered in through the door. His nose was bleeding, I'd noticed, and hurried to our first aid box, while Remus took a generous sip out of the bottle I'd left behind. Turned out, I wasn't the only one who'd had a violent breakup that day, and we proceeded to drink to it. _

_Lesson number three: Love will leave you wounded. _

Remus took another swig before handing the bottle over to me. 'You should have seen me, Sirius. I gave it to him really good, right in the kisser!' To make his point, Remus made a swinging gesture into the air and promptly slid down the couch. He made no attempt to pick himself up on the floor. 'That's the last time, the fucking last time he ever hits me!'

I set our empty bottle down, reaching across the table for a new one. I was drunk, I knew that, but my mind decided it was a pleasant feeling after such a long day, and to have a friend to share your grievances with was even better. 'You tell 'em, Rem! Motherfucker doesn't have a right to, anyway! Shoulda left him a loonng time ago!'

Remus snatched the bottle from my hand. 'Yeah!' He wiped his mouth, only to take another large swig. 'I was stupid anyway! Stupid to believe he actually loved me! Stupid, stupid, stupid…' He thumped his head against the green glass bottle with every syllable, and I had to pry it out of his fingers to make him stop. 'Just…he stayed, you know…for a long time…he stayed and I thought, maybe…' He rested his body against my right leg, head on my knee. 'No one ever stays, not with me.'

At that moment, Remus had looked so broken and vulnerable at my feet, it was only logical that I would be overcome with the urge to protect him; and being outrageously drunk as I was, gave me the courage to do so. I pulled him against me until he was halfway on my lap and hugged him tightly, stroking his hair reassuringly when I felt his body shiver against mine.

'Love sucks,' I stated, planting a kiss underneath his ear lobe. 'We don't need it.' My brain slowly shut down, only vaguely aware as my kissing progressed down Remus's throat, his collarbone, his sharp jaw line, his cheeks, all the while encouraged by his moans. 'All we need is friends and a good fuck once in a while.'

And then, we were kissing, lips and tounges and _oh god, oh god!_ Remus's body was covering mine, his lips, teeth and tounge ravaging my mouth relentlessly…and I was kissing back with equal fervour, gripping his arse and pulling him closer; until I could feel his erection press against my own through our denim jeans. It was sheer madness, the way my hands scrabbled under his shirt in search of skin, the hard, sculpted angles hidden behind such a skinny frame threatening to drive me over the edge.

I could feel Remus pushing against me until I lay flat on my back, staring as his hands moved confidently over my shirt buttons and belt loops, kissing every inch of my skin he revealed – chest, arms, stomach and oh god, I could feel my eyes rolling back into my head. I was staring even harder, almost hungrily as he stopped to get rid of his own clothing and revealed bruised skin. For a while, we just gazed at each other, asking permission to continue, which was ridiculous considering how hard we were, and how much we _needed_ this.

Finally, I reached out to trace one of the black-blue bruises just below his hipbone. 'We don't need love,' I whispered, letting my hand travel down lower. 'We have each other.'

_And that was that. _

_You'd think things would have been awkward the next day, but it wasn't. Both Remus and I remembered the night's incidents perfectly well, and didn't regret it. In fact, without a word exchanged in between, we had settled into a comfortable arrangement. _

_We'd come back from a hard day at work, eat dinner, maybe even watch some tv, and then fuck each other's brains out on the couch or either of our beds. We didn't act like a couple, because we weren't one. We were still free to date anyone we wanted, but our previous experiences had put in enough sense in us not to. Friends with benefits, we called it. No anniversaries of first kisses, or first dates, or first hugs and what not. We didn't celebrate Valentine's Day; we didn't have to waste money on flowers or chocolates. It was perfect – just have hot passionate sex, and once you're done, you sleep in the comforts of your own bed and carry on with your life the way you like it. _

_I was proud to say that at the ripe age of of twenty, I, Sirius Black, had found the key to a perfect life._

_Which is why, a year later, when Remus started to act weird, I was a little more than confused as to why he would want to disrupt such a perfectly constructed system. See, the incident where Remus had wanted me to stay the night had only been one among many. _

_XxxxX__  
_


	3. Chapter 3

**IV. **

Remus looked up from his newspaper as I came in through the door. 'Hard day?'

Either I looked like shit, or the man had unnaturally accurate perceptive powers. I nodded and sat down on the handle of the couch to toe off my shoes and socks.

'You look exhausted,' he said sympathetically, putting down the paper as he crawled behind me.

I felt his long fingers settle on my shoulder, pressing down on the tight knots, and only just suppressed a groan. 'Not now, Remus. I'm tired.' This time I did moan as his fingers expertly traveled down my back, applying pressure in all the right places.

'I know,' he whispered, placing a gentle kiss on my cheek – something which had struck me as odd the first time, but I'd gotten used to it. 'I didn't ask for anything. Just lie down on your stomach and relax, okay?' He didn't leave any room for argument as he took off my jacket and shirt and pushed me down on the couch.

'Let me take care of you,' he said again, and I couldn't be bothered to protest that I wasn't a child, that I didn't need him, and could you please just take me to my bed; because Remus was now running his hands all over my back with the expertise of a masseur, occasionally letting his hand drift lower underneath the waistband of my trousers, often placing gentle platonic kisses across the exposed skin.

Remus's hands were pleasantly warm, and though I was partially hard, true to his word, nothing was done about it until the next morning. As I drifted off to the most comfortable sleep I've had in months, a part of my mind supplied a vague thought that I'd never had this sort of intimacy with anyone before, not even with Celine. It was worrying perhaps, but not at all unwelcome.

_Lesson no.4: Love always came with a price. _

_It wasn't that I hadn't ever gotten massages before. It was just that every girl who had claimed to be madly in love with me gave me one only to get into my pants. They would even cook me my favourite breakfast in the morning at the price of another go or some bloody expensive gift, while Remus did it just to please me. That was the difference, I realised, between love and friendship. Friends like Remus, however odd their actions were, did things because they cared. _

**V. **

I watched Remus down his fifth shot of whiskey and frowned. We were at James and Lily's New Year party and he seemed to be the only one not enjoying himself. I understood that he was gay, and it was really hard to find someone with the same tastes, but dancing didn't exactly require him to have sex. He could have at least tried to have a bit of fun.

'Don't you think this is great?' asked the girl I was dancing with (Mary or Suzie, I wasn't quite sure). She leaned her head on my shoulder, humming to the tune softly. She had a nice voice, I mused as I tried to catch Remus's eye. I knew he was avoiding me on purpose, but why, I just didn't understand.

'Yeah, sure,' I murmured, distracted.

From the corner of my eye, I could see James disentangling from Lily and making his way towards Remus, who by now, was on his seventh shot. I quickly steered towards them, in an attempt to listen in to their conversation. James was infinitely better than I was in trying to figure out and solve problems, and maybe, I'd get a hint soon enough.

A slight wave of jealousy ripped through me as I realised that Remus would rather open up to James than me, but I quickly waved it off. It was stupid. He had a right to choose whom to confront.

I'd missed part of the conversation, but even from a distance, James's grave expression was enough to tell me that this was serious. 'Just because I don't say anything, Remus, doesn't mean I don't know.'

Remus was about to take another gulp, but James snatched away the glass. 'It's nothing, Jamie,' he whispered, seemingly more to himself than James. 'It means fucking _nothing_.'

What the hell? What was Remus talking about? Vaguely, I could feel Mary (Suzie?) move closer to me, her hips unabashedly brushing against mine, but I really couldn't be bothered. Remus looked genuinely upset, close to tears even, and I needed to find out why.

James put a firm hand of Remus's shoulder and squeezed. 'You don't have to torture yourself like this. You're worth a lot more than that and you know it.'

Remus rested his head against the table. 'I don't feel it.'

I'd heard that tone before – he'd had the same broken tone when he'd broken up with Richard. Had that bastard come back again? Remus often told me how even now, Richard would show up at the university just to bother him, and quite a few times, he'd even had the audacity to call the house and make loud declarations about how he'd been an idiot and how he loved Remus. But Remus had always put him down with a polite no. Could he have finally gotten through?

No. No, if he dared…I was going to kill that bastard if he so much as laid a hand on my Remus. Richard had no right over him, none at all, and there was no way I was going to let Remus fall into his trap again. He was fine right now. He was happy with me, and things were going to stay that way.

James lifted Remus up by the chin, and I felt that odd bubble of jealousy well up again. It was ridiculous of course, but I wanted to be the one to comfort him, to hold his chin and stroke his cheek. It was supposed to be me he was confessing all his feelings to. I _lived_ with the man for God's sakes! Surely, I would be the more suitable friend to turn to.

'Tell him,' whispered James. 'Tell him how you're-'

But I never got to hear the last of James's sentence, because the clock had finally struck twelve and everyone was shouting 'Happy New Year' and then I was being assaulted by an insistent mouth. As soon as I felt her tounge brush past my lips, I disentangled myself from Suzie (Mary?) as politely as I could. I'm not sure why, but I've never been this disgusted by anyone my entire life.

'Happy new year,' she breathed out smiling, and I forced a smile back, my eyes automatically searching for Remus.

He was gone, and James was now too occupied with an armful of Lily to be questioned about anything.

So I went to the first place that came to my mind – back to our apartment, only to find Remus folding his clothes into a suitcase.

'Where you going?' I asked, coming to stand beside him. I noticed dry tear tracks on his cheeks and reached out to wipe them away.

Remus flinched and roughly brushed away my hand. 'I'm leaving.'

I felt my hands instinctively clench into fists. 'To Richard?' Even saying that name made my blood boil. I'll kill him. I swear to God, I will kill him.

Remus stared at me for a while and then turned back to folding his trousers. 'No, just away from here, away from _you_.'

I felt like someone had ripped my heart out and stomped on it. 'Wh-why? What'd I do? Whatever it is, Remus, I'm sorry!' I found myself panicking instantly, clutching at his shoulders, running my hands through his hair. Remus was my best friend, he could not just _go_. 'If this is about the dirty laundry, then-'

Remus pushed me away. 'God, you really are oblivious, aren't you?'

'I don't understand.'

'No, you wouldn't, of course you wouldn't, because Sirius Black never has the time to take his head out of his arse and look beyond himself. If he had-' Remus choked, and fresh tears leaked out of the corner of his eyes. 'If you had, then you would have noticed how hopelessly I am in love with you.'

He turned away, breathing heavily and holding himself up against the cupboard. All I could do was stare. Remus was in love with me?…but…but, this wasn't how things were supposed to be…we were friends…that's all.

'I don't know what you want me to say, Remus.'

Did I love him? No, no…love…love was something else entirely…love was something James and Lily had…something I'd never know, because Blacks weren't trained to love. We could seduce, we could charm, and we could be cruel when we wanted to, as long as it achieved our means. Love, I'd learnt over the years, was a disaster.

Remus reached out, quickly drawing his hand back in as I recoiled instinctively. I cursed myself as a hurt look flashed across his face and more tears trickled down his cheek. 'It's okay, Sirius. It's my fault anyway…I mean, you'd made it clear from the start that this wasn't anything more than sex, right?' He ran a shaky hand through his hair. 'God, I'm so stupid. I should have never-' He shook his head and began to pack again.

I did nothing. I couldn't. I didn't know what to do. This hadn't happened before. No one had ever told me they loved me and meant it, especially not a man. This was not how things of order went…this was not…not…not happening.

'Don't worry, Sirius. I'm not going to bother you anymore,' he said picking up his suitcase and walking towards the door. 'I'm sorry.' Remus's hands fumbled with the keys. 'I'm sorry I fell in love with you. I should have been happy with what I had, but I wanted – I always do this. It's – I'm just so fucking stupid!' He rested his head against the door, sobbing lightly.

And still, I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I wanted to. Hell, yes, I just wanted to hold him in my arms and comfort him till he fell asleep. But not like this…not as people in love. Didn't he know that love destroyed friendships? Didn't he know that love always ended badly?

'I love you, Sirius, I really do, but I can't do this anymore.'

He left.

_Lesson no. 5: Love will ruin the best thing that has ever happen to you. _

**VI. **

_Three weeks had passed and not a single day went without me thinking about Remus. It wasn't just the sex, but everything else. I found myself thinking about how his hands would move about wildly whenever he talked about something he loved. Or how though his smile was never as wide as any of ours, it would always reach his eyes. Or even the way he'd sometimes fall asleep on the couch in front of the television, curled tightly to ward off the cold._

_There were times I'd walk into the kitchen, eyes half closed and wait for Remus's customary burnt toast, or the small kiss he'd place on my cheek – the one that had left me so confused before. Sometimes I wouldn't realise Remus had gone until I was left without clean underwear, because it would be his turn to do the laundry. I would wait wistfully for someone to chide me as I tripped over my own forgotten boots, or cut my hand while trying to chop carrots. I've lived alone before…I've suffered worse at the hands of my foreboding parents…and yet, nothing had ever tortured me the way Remus's absence did._

_It was when I'd gotten up from another one of my dreams at three o'clock in the night, Remus's sweet laughter still ringing in my ears that I decided I didn't care. I didn't care if I didn't love Remus the way he did me. I didn't care because I missed him; even more so, I needed him. So, I went to the first person I knew who would know where Remus was. _

James yawed and rubbed his eyes sleepily. 'This had better be good, Sirius. I'm in no mood to put up with your nonsense at three in the morning.'

He moved aside to let me in, but I stayed put outside his door. 'I need to know where Remus lives.' It was a miracle my voice came out so calm and collected, because my insides were rampaging wildly.

James eyes widened. 'No.'

He made to close the door, but I put my foot in between. 'James, please!' This time my voice did sound desperate.

James pushed the door harder, knowing full well that it was painful. 'No, Sirius. No, not again, no. You leave him alone.'

Panic rose up my throat. James had never denied me anything, not unless there was a plausible reason. 'Is it Richard? Is that why you won't tell me?'

James let go of the door in surprise. 'God, you are really thick, you know that! No, it's not Richard, it's _you_!'

'I-'

James cut me off with a hand. 'He walks around like the fucking dead – doesn't eat, hardly sleeps – he looks worse than shit, and you have the gall to ask if it's because of Richard? Sometimes, Sirius, I really want to hit you.'

I breathed a sigh of relief, not at all perturbed by James's declaration. I deserved being hit, and I would let him, but not now; not until I found Remus. 'I _need_ him, James…please.'

James rolled his eyes. 'I'm sure the great Sirius Black will find someone else to fuck. So I'm asking you to stay the bloody hell away from him…he's been hurt enough as it is, and I won't have you stripping off what little happiness he has left.'

How low did he think I was? I mean, I'd never – I wouldn't want to hurt Remus on purpose. I couldn't.

I grabbed James by his pyjama collar and looked into his eyes. 'I need him, James, do you understand that? I need him and there's no way you can stop me from getting him. I can track him down, even if you don't tell me where he lives, I know where he works. But I'm still asking you, and it's okay if you don't tell me, but I'll be indebted to you forever if you do.'

James looked at me for a second, and I could almost see the wheels in his head turning, contemplating whether or not he should tell. Finally, he sighed. '15th street, first yellow building to your right, 402.'

_You'd think I was being stupid. Riding on a motorbike, shirtless, this early in the morning into a street I rarely visited. You'd think I was even more stupid to be running up the stairs with noisy black boots pulled over my football pyjama bottoms, completely ignoring the disgruntled yells of flat tenants. You'd think that I'd probably surpassed the border of stupidity when I kissed Remus Lupin hard on the lips as soon as he'd opened the door, pushing him until we were both down on the cold, hard floor. _

'Sirius?'

I hugged him tightly, too afraid to let go in case he decided to push me away. James had been right – Remus had definitely grown thinner, but that was to be solved later. 'Come back, Rem. Come back home.'

Remus put up a weak half hearted struggle against my hold, and finally slumped back on the floor, defeated. 'I can't. It's too hard.'

I kissed the sensitive spot on his neck, knowing exactly what sort of reaction it had on him. 'I missed you, Remus…a lot.' I card my fingers through his ever so soft hair, caressing his cheeks, his eyes, his lips. God, how much I'd missed him. 'I don't know if I love you, Remus…I really don't. All I know is that I can't live without you…'

_So, yes, love is horribly stupid and completely catastrophic. Yes, you have to spend a lot of time buying gifts, and remembering dates. Yes, there is an awful lot of sacrificing bed space, tv shows and mental sanity. But love's also about waking up to the warmth of another body beside you, love's sharing the last cookie and ending up with a lot more than just chocolate chips in your mouth, love's about soft reassuring touches and firm hands supporting you when you're pissed out of your mind and can't stand up for shit. Love is all that and more. _

We were sitting on the couch watching Mind Your Language on tv. Remus had his head pillowed on my lap, while the rest of him was stretched under a warm woolen blanket. I could feel every breath he took, and the way his shoulders shook as he laughed at some Mickey Mouse joke the Indian lady cracked. Not particularly hilarious…but all right.

His hair occasionally fell into his eyes, and I couldn't help but brush it away every single time. I won't lie to you. I didn't do it because I was worried he wouldn't be able to see his show with all that hair in front. It could have been a good reason, but honestly, I just loved the feel of him – his hair, his skin, his lips.

Good Lord, I was obsessed. Was that a good thing?

'Rem?'

Remus didn't divert his eyes from the screen, but I could tell he wasn't really paying attention to Mr. Brown anymore. 'Hm?'

'I love you.' I let one of my hands move under the blanket and rubbed his stomach through his shirt. 'I don't say it much, but I do…a lot…'

Remus smiled that wonderful smile again, and reached out to tangle his hand in my hair, rubbing gently. 'I know,' he said softly.

I'd already closed my eyes by then, partly because Remus's fingers were massaging lightly down my neck, but mostly because I knew he was going to kiss me. It was just that sort of moment.

'Sirius, could you throw out the garbage tonight?'

_Lesson no. 6: In the end, love, to me, is about Remus, and if that's not disastrous, I don't know what is. _

**End**


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